The start of beating my depression and getting back on track

If anyone does decide to read this blog, I'd like to explain what this project is all about.  A few days ago, a good friend of mine I'll call "E" was talking to me about how I don't take care of myself.  She was going on and on about how she was surprised that a transgender woman seemed to reject everything that was feminine.  After awhile of this I finally broke down and got real with her. Basically what it came down to me saying is... "I look like crap so what's the point".  I wasn't asking a question there but merely making a statement of where my mental state was.

E and I talked some more, I told her that  although I seem happy and things going well to the outside world that this couldn't be further from the truth.  This is when the confession came that there is not a week that does not go by that suicide or the idea of being dead does not cross my mind.  I have known I was depressed, you see I actually have a long history dealing with it, or not dealing with it I might better say.  I have let myself go, my environment go to crap and truth be told really just stopped caring. These are the things that are hard in life to face, and I just simply have felt too defeated to do so.

This leads me to why I've started this blog.  Well yesterday after weighing myself when walking through a department store here the scales errored out, yeap that's right I tipped the scale... what a realization right?  It gets worst trust me, I was wearing dirty clothes and I'm not talking about second day dirty or anything, no I'm talking OMG I can smell myself dirty.  Look folks I know this is bad, but I'm just being honest here.

Well after all of this and some talks with my friend E and my other best friend J  I realized what I need to do.  The only way I'm going to beat this battle of the downward spiral of depression is to take baby steps and put some structure back into my life.  This starts today, with this blog, with this first post.

Each day I will be doing a blog entry here, they might be a boring post, or there might be something great to talk about either way I'm posting.  With the to-do list from the day before, with the things I managed to do checked off, and at the end of each post will be that days to-do list.  It will be directly laid out the same way as the dry-erase board sitting beside me now. As of now there are only a total of 10 items on the list each day 5 personal related and 5 work related.  This might increase over time, but I'm taking things easy.   Some of the items on the list might simply be taking a bath.  You see when you deal with depression even such things as take a bath can be a challenge.

I don't have some big goal I'm looking at because my goal is to increase the quality of my life, and every one of those little things I mark off my list are reaching that goal every single time.  By viewing things this way, I win every time.  Some of these items are to get me back on track with my transition, which increases the quality of my life.  You see where I'm going with this?

Now if you are reading this you are welcome to comment, make suggestions or even ask questions.  The only thing I ask is if you happen to know me personally please do not use my real name.  I've chosen to use a pen name with this blog for several reasons, but mainly so it will allow me the freedom to be more honest with myself and what postings.

With that all being said... Let the mission begin!

Mission List for 1/27/11
Personal	Work
Organize Bedroom	Meet with L
Organize Office	TS test
Take a Bath	Finish M & G
Shave Face	Install Blog on IIS
Wash Hair	Organize Mc SEO/Video
Don't Stress	Don't Stress