The Suit That Kicked Butt and Took Names ... Sorta of

Mission List for Yesterday
Personal	Work
Organize Bedroom (started on it)	Meet with L (postponed)
Organize Office	TS test (test was not successful)
Take a Bath	Finish M & G
Shave Face	Install Blog on IIS
Wash Hair	Organize Mc SEO/Video
Don't Stress	Don't Stress

Well day one is down and as you notice not all of the items on yesterday's list are crossed out.  I'm not going to make excuses as to why this is the case because I don't need to do so.  The purpose of this project is to get myself on a steady track and to keep on it.  You see when dealing with depression it can be easy to get derailed at times, and once that happens it seems to take a team of people to get placed back on the tracks . I'm grateful to say I have that team of people, and I know for a fact I will keep chugging along.

So, yeah I might have not marked everything off the list yesterday, and you know what... IT'S OK! Yeap, I'm not going to stress of this, because I feel pretty darn good about how yesterday went.  You see there were things not even on the mini-list that are on my master list which I did yesterday spur of the moment.  Yeah that's right I have a master list!

I have been trying to figure out how to explain my metal state as of now, and realized after I looked at a sketch I started the day I started my master list explains it all, so here I'd like to share it with you all.

So, what did you do yesterday?  Well let me just tell you. As you can see I did scratch off most of the items on yesterday's list, but I also ended up spur of the moment going to the local gym here and starting my membership.  Yeah that's right I plan on getting back in shape as well, the start date might be on Monday or hell when I feel ready.  The thing is at least I now have the membership!  I also set an appointment to meet with the health facility here, so I can apply for their health care plan... that's on Monday.

Now this brings me to today, and I've already taken a shower, shaved and washed my hair.  Now these things are not on today's list, this is because I figure I'm not making it a daily routine.  You see when I wasn't working from home, I got up every single morning showered, shaved, fixed my hair, put on my makeup and got dressed.  I did these things because it was expected of me to look presentable when I clocked in to work each day.  When I started working from home is when things went downhill and I stopped bothering.  I mean really why bother when you can stay in your pajamas all day and still work? I really love pajamas, hell I'm wearing them now, but this is something I will tackle soon on the list as well.  I figure if I start treating my work as any other job and go through the daily routine of getting ready for work, then I will feel better about myself.  I will also be more productive I'm sure as well.  I just need to finish getting my room in order so I can find clothes. It's about mentally setting myself up for success.  I'm getting there, but I really do love my pajamas!

So what's on the agenda for today?

Mission List for Friday 1/28/11
Personal	Work
Finish Bedroom	Meet with L
Organize Office	TS test #2
Wash Dishes	Finish M & G
Hang Shoe Rack	Do Social Bookmarking
Do My Shot	Work COS Meta Data
Don't Stress	Don't Stress

The start of beating my depression and getting back on track

If anyone does decide to read this blog, I'd like to explain what this project is all about.  A few days ago, a good friend of mine I'll call "E" was talking to me about how I don't take care of myself.  She was going on and on about how she was surprised that a transgender woman seemed to reject everything that was feminine.  After awhile of this I finally broke down and got real with her. Basically what it came down to me saying is... "I look like crap so what's the point".  I wasn't asking a question there but merely making a statement of where my mental state was.

E and I talked some more, I told her that  although I seem happy and things going well to the outside world that this couldn't be further from the truth.  This is when the confession came that there is not a week that does not go by that suicide or the idea of being dead does not cross my mind.  I have known I was depressed, you see I actually have a long history dealing with it, or not dealing with it I might better say.  I have let myself go, my environment go to crap and truth be told really just stopped caring. These are the things that are hard in life to face, and I just simply have felt too defeated to do so.

This leads me to why I've started this blog.  Well yesterday after weighing myself when walking through a department store here the scales errored out, yeap that's right I tipped the scale... what a realization right?  It gets worst trust me, I was wearing dirty clothes and I'm not talking about second day dirty or anything, no I'm talking OMG I can smell myself dirty.  Look folks I know this is bad, but I'm just being honest here.

Well after all of this and some talks with my friend E and my other best friend J  I realized what I need to do.  The only way I'm going to beat this battle of the downward spiral of depression is to take baby steps and put some structure back into my life.  This starts today, with this blog, with this first post.

Each day I will be doing a blog entry here, they might be a boring post, or there might be something great to talk about either way I'm posting.  With the to-do list from the day before, with the things I managed to do checked off, and at the end of each post will be that days to-do list.  It will be directly laid out the same way as the dry-erase board sitting beside me now. As of now there are only a total of 10 items on the list each day 5 personal related and 5 work related.  This might increase over time, but I'm taking things easy.   Some of the items on the list might simply be taking a bath.  You see when you deal with depression even such things as take a bath can be a challenge.

I don't have some big goal I'm looking at because my goal is to increase the quality of my life, and every one of those little things I mark off my list are reaching that goal every single time.  By viewing things this way, I win every time.  Some of these items are to get me back on track with my transition, which increases the quality of my life.  You see where I'm going with this?

Now if you are reading this you are welcome to comment, make suggestions or even ask questions.  The only thing I ask is if you happen to know me personally please do not use my real name.  I've chosen to use a pen name with this blog for several reasons, but mainly so it will allow me the freedom to be more honest with myself and what postings.

With that all being said... Let the mission begin!

Mission List for 1/27/11
Personal	Work
Organize Bedroom	Meet with L
Organize Office	TS test
Take a Bath	Finish M & G
Shave Face	Install Blog on IIS
Wash Hair	Organize Mc SEO/Video
Don't Stress	Don't Stress